There’s an idiom we always found strange in that “laws are a lot like sausages; it’s better not to see them being made.” As connoisseurs of carne here at Bugbear BBQ, we think that saying is miles off from the truth. Any good fantasy pitmaster not only wants to know exactly what goes into the process of their sausages, but would probably like the recipe complete with exact measurements to go with it.
And here at Bugbear BBQ, we shout to the heavens our exact recipe: Lots of love. And lots of fingers.
Needless to say, it didn’t make the most appetizing tagline for the business. Accurate, maybe. Appetizing, no.
But if you’re one of those eccentrics who wants to keep all your fingers and yet still enjoy a good sausage, might we suggest some spicy minotaur hotlinks.
Hotlinks, for those not in the know, are a Louisiana/ Texas traditional sausage that’s on the spicier side.
Minotaurs, for those equally ignorant of their bestiaries as they are of their carnivore culinary tastes, are half-man, half-bull monstrosities known for wrecking up the place and perhaps frequenting a labyrinth or two. They, along with troll and hippogriff, also make up the “Big Three” meats every pitmaster must master in barbecue competitions. They also serve the “Big Three” of cooks, that being the brisket, ribs, and pulled meat category, which means to truly earn one’s fantasy pitmaster stripes, one needs to know how to make nine meals.
But we digress since this is supposed to be about sausages. Now we at Bugbear BBQ almost always argue for battlefield sourced meat. Almost. Because in the case of minotaur, it can be better to pick up a farm or labyrinth raised beast rather than a free-range minotaur if you’re a fan of marbling. Free-range minotaurs are a bit gamier and contain less fat than those that don’t move around nearly as much. And when making sausage, the name of the game is fat.
A good sausage should be about 20-25% fat, which just about makes those lazy minotaurs perfect. But if you’re out in the field and fell a beast, not to worry. Just hack out those pectoral muscles, trim off the fat, and you not only have a brisket, but all the fat you’ll need for your sausages.
Some will tell you to use that brisket meat for your sausage, but that’s really wasting that prime cut in our opinion. Sausages are usually made of the butcher’s leftover meat, so just keep all the non-organ cuts you have lying around, and when you’re done with the carving, toss them in to your meat grinder at a ¼ ratio of fat to meat.
Now here’s the real secret: Carry hog casings with you at all times! Some will swear by using the minotaur’s own intestines for the sausages. That’s traditional, but that also gets you sausages about the size of your forearm. Which are no doubt great for salami, but not so much for tossing on the smoker. So if you want some sausages at a normal diameter, keep some dried and salted hog casings always at hand and start soaking them in water once you begin carving the beast. They should be nice and ready to place over your stuffer by the time you’ve got everything ground.
I totally understand why the ancient Greeks used sheep intestines as condoms now.
Unlike all our other BBQ recipes, this time the rub goes on the inside and gets mixed in with all that delicious protein. We prefer our sausage uncured, which means we’ll only be using kosher salt. However, if you have a craving for prague powder, feel free to substitute it here: 1.5 TBS kosher salt, 1.5 TBS cayenne pepper, 1 TBS paprika, 2 tsp black pepper, 1.5 tsp chili powder, 1.5 TBS yellow mustard, 1/3 cup water.
Now here’s the rub (pun!): You need to include a spice corresponding with he weapon you delivered the killing blow with at ½ tsp. Traditionally you would want it to be with a mace so as to include mace, but many times substitutions must be made.
Sword = savory
Knife = nutmeg
Arrow = marjoram
Magic = fairy dust
Poison = antidote
Cube all your meat then put it through the grinder, which you’ve hopefully kept in a freezer for at least 20 minutes so the slurry won’t stick. Then mix your spices with your liquids and mix that with your ground minotaur.
Then comes the sausage stuffing, which will undoubtedly be the most infuriating section. Seriously, we’d rather face off with a dozen minotaurs than spend an hour stuffing sausages, but you can’t really say they’re handmade unless you make them with your own hands. So go slow and know you’ll break several your first try. And your second.
Probably the first dozen, really.
But once you’re done, throw those beauties on the smoker until they reach an internal temp of 160. Then all your hard work and reduced HP will be worth it when you feel and hear the snap of those sausages on your first bite.
Sauce, Sides, & Pairings
You’re going to want a nice KC red sauce to slather your sausage in (damn, but that sounds dirty). And while it wouldn’t be a stranger to a bun, hot links are traditionally eaten along with other BBQ rather than alone. Which means white bread and brisket if you’re lucky.
As for drinks, you’re going to want something sweet to put out that fire. We suggest a dwarven mead, but if you’re going the Greek route with your minotaur hunting, some ambrosia would probably be more apt.